The research is finally catching up with what countless others have known for millennia: what you do with your mind matters.

By 

• Clif Smith, Americas Region Mindfulness Leader and Global Mindfulness Network Leader, EY

Adolescent Hormones Yes, Love is in the Air. Spring is here along with many first loves and momentary heartthrobs. If your adolescent is acting strange, consumed with talking on the phone with a new love, chances are you noticed the change. No, your teen has not lost it, at least not permanently. 

Regardless, if your teen is enraptured in a blind love that has you worried sick, or is in the depths of depression from a love gone bad getting through the next few months will be a challenge. 

Parents can find this phase worrisome if not outright alarming. Mood swings may vacillate between happy elation to pouting, shouting or unwarranted arguments that penetrate any sense of harmony in the home.

Focus is on Attraction Not School

School settings experience the same phenomena. Ask any teacher in middle or high school about the energy levels that rise during this time of year and all will agree. 

Heightened attention is spent scanning hallways and lunchrooms in search of a glance, a touch or a brief encounter with any student’s latest romantic interest. 

This is the time of year when schoolwork suffers the most, as all attention and focus remains on that new love, good, bad, or non-returned love, however it may evolve.

Relax, It’s Normal

What many parents forget is that experimenting with intimate or romantic relationships is a normal developmental process. What brings worries parents the most though, is when either a son or daughter gets so consumed with this new love interest that nothing else matters. 

This could be observed as all-consuming obsessive behaviour to be with the desired sweetheart, or if bad feelings developed between sweethearts, angry or hurt feelings erupt from your child that overrides any rational thought.

Be Wary of Extreme Reactions

If extreme reactions occur after being ‘dumped’ or ‘rejected,’ such as depression or withdrawal from all other activities, be sure to monitor behaviours for a sign of deeper depression. 

In ugly or heated breakups, reactions may be as extreme as threatening suicide or harm to the person who rejected offered love. In either case, such extreme reactions warrant concern.

Set Dating Boundaries

Of course, the other side of the picture is when love is well received, and a teenage romance causes your otherwise obedient and respectful adolescent with thoughts of flight from all house rules or intimate involvement of an adult nature. 

To offset such occurrences, dating boundaries must be set and consistently adhered to by parents who ‘attempt’ to curb such intense relationships. 

This is no easy task for sure, particularly given the strength of adolescent hormonal compulsions. But parents must remain firm. This would include setting and enforcing curfews, the number of nights they might contact one another and certainly prohibiting overnight togetherness.

While some parents may believe it is fine to allow total freedoms for dating, others may set excessively rigid rules that are impossible to enforce. Yes, it isn’t easy to find the happy medium for boundary setting with your overly engaged teen. 

Still, age-appropriate privileges are important guidelines to set if youth are going to find a common sense of balance between teen dating and mature decision-making. (Oops, talk about paradoxes!)

Family Values Will Outlast Early Attractions

It helps if family values and beliefs are set early. In fact, many social scientists believe that individuals acquire personal values as early as age

If your teen adopted solid values from early childhood, chances are no matter how outlandish a new love interest may appear, if large discrepancies surfaces between your teen’s values and his or her new love’s values, rest assured that it may not be long before the relationship ends. 

Most parents would worry to death if an undesirable dating partner were to capture your teen’s heart. But for the most part, our teens do not depart too far from original values upheld within the home. 

So, setting family values and personal decision-making strategies starts during early childhood. Don’t be afraid to set such values with consistency, sincerity and fairness to all involved.

Parents Need to be in Charge

All the while, parents need to find a balance between acting like a friend and behaving like a parent. When push comes to shove, the parent role must take precedence. Parental influences today can range from being too casual or non-existent, thus remiss of applying any discipline or authoritative rule settings. 

If you are too rigid, your child may be compelled to defy your wishes and thus continue to see this new love regardless of your dictates. If you are too relaxed and attempting to befriend your teen and all of your teen’s friends, then you may set him or her up for opportunities to get into an intimate relationship much too prematurely. 

There is nothing cute about teenagers sleeping together as it usually leads to an emotionally complicated relationship that most teens are not emotionally equipped to deal with.

Adolescent Hormones Tips on Overcoming Defiant Behavior

Make no mistake about it; hormones play a big role in how resistant our teen may be to our orders to curtail seeing a new love. A strong attraction often causes him or her to override your mandates regardless of how outlandish this new romantic obsession is, then you may need to consult with a profession on how to proceed; particularly if your teen defies your orders to ceases and desist. 

If this is happening in your home, try one of the following:

1. Try sitting down and talking over the good points and the bad points of this new love.

2. Avoid, if possible, ordering overly rigid or unrealistic mandates that cause a line to be drawn between your dictates and your teen’s expectations. That negotiating results in a power struggle. 

It is better to try to reason with facts than to draw mandates out of the air so that your teen may easily reject such unwarranted orders.

3. If you are really concerned that the new love is an evil influence over your teen, then attempt to find out further facts about the youth rather than rant and rave without sufficient evidence for your conclusions.

4. Follow your instinct. If something about this new love does not feel right or sincere toward your youth, do not be afraid to go to extremes to investigate. After all, it is your child’s welfare that is at stake.

5. And as always, make every attempt to keep the lines of communication between you and your teen. Remember, our folks survived our adolescence and so will you with your teen. Healthy development requires constant input from a caring adult.

Crushes and Puppy Love!

Help Kids Grow Positive Self-Images

Well, Valentine’s Day is over, and we may be surprised to learn our child experienced his/her first love or crush. It is a factor of human nature that we all want to be appreciated. 

Surely we all can remember our first love or puppy love. Now, we must watch our children go through the same process. But little did we know, that in reality, the whole process of learning about expressing affection, exchanging emotional feelings with others, and giving tokens of our affections, would have anything to do with growing positive self-images; but it does. 

Positive Self-Image

For all following reasons, expression of love, sharing feelings, giving gifts and discussing our feelings are all healthy learning experiences that serve to strengthen our own self-image. 

Of course, we want our child’s feelings well-received or else we might also be upset to watch him cry. But in reality, whether or not those feelings are well received represents only a small part of the growing process.

Regardless of your child’s age, expressions of feelings for others should be a positive developmental stage of growing up. Granted, none of us ever want out toddlers to grow-up, or to have our elementary school child to feel drawn to anyone other than to mom or dad. Nor, do we want our teen to leave all common sense behind as he is bit by cupid’s love bow. 

But it happens, and yes as parents we all must sit idly by our child’s side. Silently we must sit by only to watch our child come home in tears due to rejection, or conversely, watch him return home with a broad smile because the boy or girl in the third seat acknowledges and returns a few words of affection. 

Yes, crushes and first loves are a time to put our own feelings aside and observe with guidance as our child experiences a first love.

All Ages Feel Rejection

If a toddler is rejected, brief stages of pouting or sulking if not outright biting and kicking may be observed. Since vocabulary is limited at this age, the most we can do is watch reactions and interpret frowns or disappointment, all the while knowing that a small ice cream cone can easily distract attention from a former rejection.

As children reach elementary school age, vocabulary is sufficient to allow expressions of disappointment, and it may take a larger bit of distraction to deter any tears or frowns from our child’s face. 

If the rejection was severe, then Mr Puppy love may kick his toys about or strike out in frustration. Still, again, with sufficient enticement, hurt feelings can be rather quickly replaced with an activity or another pastime. But this ease of appeasement may not be so easy at the teenage level, a point in life when dramatic or volatile emotions erupt often.

Rejection Tougher on Teens

During the teen years, everything is perceived as the end of the world, particularly when a puppy-love or first-love rejects his or her affections. If our teenagers are disappointed in love, an entire household can become unhinged. 

Tantrums from a 16-year-old can be most unpleasant to say the least, if not outright dangerous. As anger is released at this age, items may go flying through the air, objects in his room may suddenly show up broken, and repeated threats to run away, or worse yet, to do self-harm may be prevalent. 

No doubt, this behaviour is difficult to live with but by all means, if threats of self-harm are made, take the threats seriously. 

It is also necessary to be firm about what is and what is not acceptable yet patient enough to explore reasons for this behaviour.

And if the love of their life just jilted your son or daughter, try to cut some slack in the discipline department for his or her outrageous behaviour. 

A more constructive approach to this behaviour is to sit down and discuss the issues with your son or daughter. Be patient as tears flow, and whatever you do, do not minimize expressed emotional hurts or disappointments.

Don’t Ignore Personal Feelings

The worst thing you could say is, “Oh, so what if Johnny doesn’t like you, your too young anyway,’ or ‘Good I am glad it didn’t work out because you are not dating until you are 25.” Statements like this ignore personal feelings of your children. 

It takes a lot for children to share this information with a parent, so you should be honoured that they would even want to talk with you.

It is, therefore, essential that you acknowledge their feelings and that you empathize with them. Be supportive, patient, and understanding, do not tell them to stop overeating as it is necessary to vent emotions when personal disappointments are the extreme-within reason, of course. 

When emotional tirades calm down to discuss the pluses and minuses of the potential relationship anyway, chances are if you help him/her compare realistic versus idealistic qualities of the desired love, your teen will develop a more realistic view of negative features of this particular union.

In this manner, you are not only bonding with your teen, you are also helping him or her to think rationally about the disappointment.

In the long run, you will provide him/her with valuable skills for overcoming future heartbreaks, an experience that is quite normal for this age group. But better yet, you are facilitating the development of skills that will serve him/her well into adulthood.

Adolescent Health:

Finding a doctor specializing in the teen years

Then there’s the question of contraception and possible unwanted or wanted pregnancies. Sexuality issues and psychological problems with teens is now as common as sexually transmitted diseases were when I was a spotty teen.

Kids may outgrow their pediatrician.

But they still need a physician. If your child has grown uncomfortable seeing a paediatrician whose waiting room is filled with toys and screaming babies or she doesn’t connect with the doctor for some reason, it may be time to look for a new physician. 

Adolescence hormones problems will last only a few years, but this brief period presents teens with an array of unfamiliar and potentially embarrassing health issues.

A physician should play a key role not just in treating your teen’s illnesses, but in offering guidance on making healthy decisions in daily life. 

Physicians also face special issues when a teenage patient walks in the door. The doctor must balance the teen’s privacy with the parents’ desire to know what’s going on. 

The best way to find a good doctor in your area is to do some homework and ask people you know and trust for their recommendations. Talk to the nurse at your child’s school. Ask other parents of teenagers. Have your child ask for the names of his friends’ doctors.

Once you find a candidate who seems promising, make an appointment to visit the doctor with your child. Ask questions to elicit answers that will show you if this is a person you want treating your growing teen. Ask: “Are you willing to meet with my child alone? 

Will you be helpful on sexuality issues without being judgmental? 

What are your thoughts on delaying sexual activity and avoiding substance abuse?” 

Adolescent Hormones Doctors and your children

Also, watch how the doctor interacts with your child. Does the doctor speak to your child or only to you?

As your child grows older, you should be willing to allow her to play a larger role in her health care and to accept a hands-off role for yourself. At some point, this will mean sitting in the waiting room as she visits with the doctor.

Here are more thoughts to keep in mind as your child heads into the teen years:

1. Start giving your children more responsibility in talking with the doctor around age 9 or so. Let them explain their own symptoms and answer questions about how they feel. These kinds of discussions require practice, and kids need to have this experience by the time they’re teenagers.

2. Teens should see the doctor for a checkup yearly even if they’re healthy. If they have no particular problem to discuss, the visit will be a good time for the doctor to ask about their overall wellness and offer preventive guidance.

3. Establish how you, your child, and the doctor will deal with confidential issues now. Let your teen know when you’ll be talking to the doctor, and be sure the physician also gives her a heads-up before calling you.

To find the names of teen-friendly physicians, psychologists, and other professionals in your area.

 Single parents are not often thought of as good parents. I became acutely aware of this fact when my children were young, and I was dealing with the challenges of being a single parent.

An “expert” told me that the increase in the number of dysfunctional families was directly related to the increasing number of single-parent families. The statistics proved it. I was taken aback. I had never related dysfunction to the number of adults in a family.

In fact, I was aware of many families that functioned better when one of the parents was no longer present. His comment did make me stop and think, however. Were single parents really the cause of many of society’s ills Or was that a misconception’s I felt that I needed to answer that question – not for society as a whole, but my family. To begin, I took a long, hard look at myself.

Was I still a good parents Were we functioning in a healthy, balanced ways Or were my children suffering from the “unnatural” situation of living with only one parents As I tried to see it all objectively, some things became clear to me. First, I realized that I was not perfect.

Single parents are not perfect – but who is?

It was important for me to be able to acknowledge that because there had been a time when I could not allow myself to fall short in anything I did.

I had felt the need to be everything to everyone – the perfect mother, good housekeeper, reliable employee, involved citizen. I had felt like a failure because I could not possibly live up to my image of what I was supposed to be. Then slowly, I had come to realize that it was okay to be less than perfect. I relaxed. I learned to set priorities and to let other things go.

That set me free to devote more energy to the things most important to me, including my relationships with my children. The second thing I realized was that I was a better parent than I had been before. Oh, I still made lots of mistakes. The challenges of single parenting are overwhelming.

BUT IT IS EASY TO GET SO BOGGED DOWN IN THE PROBLEMS THAT WE FORGET TO NOTICE OUR SUCCESSES.

In fact, our family was much closer and stronger than it had been before. One of the greatest differences was that we talked to each other more than we had in the past.

Part of this was due to the ages of my children (they were 10 and 12 at the time), but in many ways, our closer relationship came out of necessity. When we were suddenly 3 instead of 4, it was clear that we had to communicate more to function.

Our financial situation had changed, and although the burden was mine, it required an adjustment in my children’s Expectations as well. At home, we all needed to pitch in to keep things running smoothly, and that had to be coordinated.

Emotionally, we had all gone through some major changes, and my main concern had been that my children did not develop negative feelings about themselves or the adults in their lives.

All of this required many hours of talking as a family and also one-on-one. We developed the habit of sitting down to discuss things whenever a problem arose, or a decision needed to be made.

We had family meetings regularly, and they provided a practical way to take care of family business, such as deciding upon house rules, chore assignments or how to spend some fun time together.

In the process, we learned how to work together as a team and to stay in touch with each other feeling. So were my children harmed by growing up in a single-parent household’s

It is really a mixed bag. Yes, they missed out on the experience of having both parents at home, for which I still carry some sadness. At the same time, they became thoughtful, caring, responsible people, who were sensitive to the needs of others and accepted the responsibility with grace and good humour.

Most important, they lived every day in a home that was filled with love and laughter – and that is worth a great deal. Thinking about our experiences and what I have observed in other families, I have come to some conclusions.

I WANT TO SHARE THESE WITH OTHER PARENTS WHO ARE FACING SIMILAR CHALLENGES.

1. Families can function in a balanced, healthy way, regardless of the number of adults who happen to live in the home.

The key is not how many people live under the same roof – or their ages – but how they relate to each other. Communication and mutual respect are major factors.

2. Every person in a family has intrinsic value, and his or her ideas need to be considered regardless of age.

Children and teenagers usually have good ideas and want to have responsibilities long before many parents realize.

If we recognize and accept their contributions, we will be enriched, and at the same time, we will help them to become more responsible, caring people who feel good about themselves and their world.

3. As single parents, we don’t need to be perfect.

We know the deal, mothers are cheerful, patient, with lots of time to give love to her children in a neat, orderly home, where she prepares delicious, well-balanced meals and keeps everything running smoothly at all times.

In fact, it is not possible to be that ideal single parent and home-maker while also carrying the full-time responsibility of earning a living. Yet, many single parents build expectations of themselves around that image.

This often causes a lot of guilt and frustration for people who are doing the best they can to raise their children in today’s society.

It’s okay to make mistakes, to be inconsistent once in a while, to leave dirty dishes in the sink – in other words, to be human. The most important part of the job of parenting is the relationships with our children.

Let the rest fall where it may.

4. It is never too late to change how we relate to one another. We have all made mistakes along the way, but we parents are learning and growing just as our children are. Sometimes the best thing that can happen in a family is to admit to one another that what we have been doing isn’t working and to agree to work together to find a better way.

The important things are:- to be real with each, other, to respect each other’s feelings, to say “I’m sorry” when it’s needed – and mean it,- to ask one another for help and to give it in return, to work together to help each other to grow. None of these things can happen if we are angry, frustrated or resentful.

The only way to create good, positive relationships is to relate to each other from our hearts, bringing the energy of love into every conversation no matter how frustrating our day has been.

So how do we do that’s it’s tough out there, and by the time we get home, we are tired, frustrated and sometimes angry. That’s the very reason we HAVE to do it because our children deserve better from us than what’s leftover at the end of a workday. It doesn’t take long to shift our energy.
We can do it in the car on the way home.

The important thing is what we focus on. If I think about all the things that went wrong at work today, I will walk through that door in a terrible mood, and my children will pay a high price. If on the way home, I think about something my child did that upset me, I will re-create the energy of my anger or disappointment, and that is how I will greet my child when I get home.

If I decide, however, to take responsibility for the emotional energy in our home, I will focus on things about my children that please me – things I appreciate.

Then when I walk through that door, I will bring the energy of love and respect, and that will create an environment in which my children will respond to me and each other in the same way. So, what kind of parent do you choose to be?

Being a single parent is a choice, you know?

We make it every day – many times a day. We can be the kind of parents who confirm the statistics – or we can defy them.

If we live from our hearts – if we allow love to guide us and if we learn to trust our own inner wisdom – we can raise our children to be loving, responsible, emotionally balanced adults. In the process, we will be blessed many times over.

Pat Downing has many years of experience counselling teenagers and their parents, conducting family mediations and leading workshops and support groups.

Advice on Partners Suitability

When you’re raising a child or children by yourself without the support of their father, it’s easy to see how a single mom can long for a man to be a part of her life.

Unfortunately, sometimes our desires can lead us to make illogical choices to end our loneliness. Satisfying our needs by settling for men, who are less than wonderful, will only hurt our children and us. Try to be on the lookout for men who exhibit any of the following signs.

If you meet him, run away. . . He has no contact with his children from a previous marriage and/or relationship. He may or may not tell you he pays child support but based on the time you spend together. It should be obvious whether he actually sees his children regularly – much less has a “fatherly” relationship with them. He shows no interest in your child or children.

If he comes across this way in the beginning, chances are his behaviour will not change. Not only do you not deserve a man who ignores your son or daughter, your children, more than anyone, should not have to deal with anyone who does not treat them properly (particularly when their mom is the person who introduces this new adult into their lives Think about it.

He does not call when he says he will. He does not listen to you when you tell him your schedule and/or plans for the afternoon/evening or weekend with your child. He shows up when you’re not expecting him, and he fails to be there when you think he should be.

(Or worse yet when he’s told your child he would be there)

He is selfish with his time. He is not willing to change his own schedule in any way to accommodate your needs (and genuine availability) as a single mother.

He treats you poorly in front of your children.

(Even if he only mistreats you when you’re alone, you still should not consider him a candidate for a lasting, meaningful relationship. ) But if he so much as speaks to you negatively, much less acts physically violent to you, when your child is around, you should run for your life basically.

Children are like sponges. They absorb everything around them. If they see a man treating their mommy with disrespect, cruelty, aggression or anger, they may learn that this type of behaviour is okay. Your children may also become upset with you for allowing anyone to treat you this way. He tries to compete with your children. He may almost demand that you view him as more important than your child.

If he demonstrates in any way that he believes you should make your child a secondary priority to him, you need to get him out of your life and away from your children. Single mothers do not NEED a man in their life. However, if we choose to have a man around, he needs to be supportive of our children and good to us, and he needs to try to understand our unique situation as a single mom.

He does not talk to and/or visit his own mother regularly. No matter how he tries to explain away the lack of contact with his mom to you, you must be strong enough and smart enough to evaluate the circumstances truly. Typically a man who fails to maintain some positive relationship with his mother is a man you who will eventually treat you as horribly as he treats his own mom or worse.

Source:: https://jotmag.com/single-parent-failure-no-your-not/